A Pricey Dilemma
by Diluculo
Summary: It was a nice day in Chesedonia until the Ant Lion Man decided to steal something very valuable from the most miserly Fon Master Guardian on Auldrant. :one shot: :T for mild language:


"Man, is it hot!" Luke wiped the perspiration from his brow exaggeratedly, making sure Tear would notice. If anyone was in charge of when they rested, it was the bossy melodist. Even she would not last long under the Chesedonian sun. It seemed unusually hot that day, and Luke was positive it wasn't a trick of his mind, as it had obviously caused the monstrous headache with which he was coping. The lack of any voices also confirmed that it wasn't of another origin.

"I think it's just perfect for my old bones," Jade said, chipper as always. Luke shot him a sour glance.

"You always know the best way to annoy me, don't you?"

"It's what I live for."

"Cut it out, you two." Tear didn't bother to glance back at the quarreling pair. "You'll only get distracted and lose us in the crowd."

"My, my, Tear. My attention span isn't as short as some people's." Jade shrugged halfheartedly.

"Hey!" Luke folded his arms grumpily.

"I didn't mean you, Master Luke," Jade replied affably.

"Now really," Guy cut in. "Save your energy for just making it through this alive. It's hard enough making sure you don't get trampled."

"That's right. Come here, Anise." Jade motioned to the Fon Master Guardian.

"Oh, Colonel!" She giggled. "You're so kind!"

"Give it a rest," Luke said flatly.

"You're just jealous!" Anise pointed out.

"Luke!" Natalia spoke up.

"My, my..." Jade managed to keep walking despite the girl that was attached to his waist.

"Okay, everyone just--!" Tear spun, raising a warning finger at the other five. "We've wasted enough time! Let's just get on with it!"

Jade was just about to reply with a snide remark when he heard a strange noise from behind the inn. He gave no hint that he had noticed, instead sending Anise to investigate. "Anise, what was that? Why don't you go see?"

"What's with you all of a sudden?" she asked, sending half a glance down the alley. "What, did you hear something?"

"Maybe."

"Colonel." Tear turned to him, making sure she had his full attention before continuing. "We have to get back to the Malkuth side as soon as we can. Noelle is waiting for us, you know."

"Yeah," Guy agreed. "We leave her alone too much as it is."

"It shouldn't take long," Jade assured them. "Well, Anise? What are you waiting for?"

"Oh, fine, Colonel..." The Fon Master Guardian made her way down the alley carefully. It was a few degrees cooler than the outside temperature, for which she was grateful. It was a rather dull area, a sharp contrast to the brightly colored stalls and banners that flew from the many shops that lined the main street. Anise looked around warily, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness. If the colonel had heard something, it could very well have been a rat scampering behind the building. Something like that would not, however, catch his attention so. She scanned the shifting sand underfoot, hoping that some wayward footprint might give away the whereabouts of its creator. Nothing came of her search, and she turned back to the group, shrugging. Tear stood tapping her foot like an impatient mother, clearly anxious to get back on the move, as well as they could move through the suffocating crowds that practically composed the life and soul of the city itself.

As she turned to leave, a sudden rush of sand sounded behind her. Anise turned around, but she was caught in the sandpit. In a desperate attempt to throw herself out of the way, she jumped forward, tripping over her tabbard, and rolled onto the sand below in a disgraceful heap. She moaned, staggering to her feet, and the rest of the group ran to her aid.

"Anise! Are you all right?" Tear was the first to get there, no doubt because of her readiness to get back on the move. Jade sauntered up, amused, and Guy dashed past the fallen Fon Master Guardian to examine the sand behind her.

He knelt to get a better look at it. The sand that had been solid a second before had liquefied, swirling itself into a veritable whirlpool made of sand. "What kind of monster could have caused this?"

"I'm afraid I don't know." Jade's expression became serious as he looked the pit up and down. "Biology isn't my specialty."

"Don't give me that nonsense." Guy sighed, a bit edgy himself from the heat. "It may not be your specialty, but you probably know enough about it to deliver a baby. Now, what kind of monster dug this pit?"

Jade laughed lightheartedly. "What are you talking about? I've never delivered a baby!"

The others gave him appalled looks.

"Unless you count His Majesty's rappigs," Jade added quickly. "But never a human baby."

"That's probably for the better," Tear noted, blushing slightly. "A-Anyway, Anise, are you going to be all right?"

"Yeah, I just got a bit scraped up." she dusted off her uniform busily. "But what was that, anyway?"

Jade received more suspicious glances from the party. "I quite sincerely don't know. If I did, I would have been glad to enlighten you."

"H-Hey!" Anise spun in a complete circle frantically. "Where's Tokunaga?!"

"You mean the doll that you use to fight with?" Natalia touched her lip hesitantly.

"Did it fall into the sand when you tripped, maybe?" Luke offered.

"Aaaak!" Anise screeched, hopping up to the edge of the sinking sand. "Tokunaga fell down there?!"

"Calm down, Anise," Tear reprimanded her gently. "I'm sure he'll turn up soon. Just look in the obvious places first, then we can find out more about what happened with that strange pit, okay?"

"Yeah." The Fon Master Guardian's gaze didn't shift from the hole, however.

"Me, Ant Lion Man."

The six travelers heard the creepy voice and turned to face its source. A portly figure emerged from the shadows of the further passage of the alley. Its long arms and wide stomach were covered in belts and other straps of leather, three pouches slung over its shoulder. It wore a hat that was several sizes small for its head that was adorned with twin horns that looked as though they were made of fabric. Under the hooded cap, its face was completely shadowed; the only thing that showed was a pair of milky white eyes blazing straight forward, unfocused. It began to wave its long plush like arms, cheering and repeating the same phrase over and over again. "Me, Ant Lion Man! Me, Ant Lion Man! Me, Ant Lion Man!"

"You... you can't mean like in the fairy tales, huh?" Luke pointed questioningly.

"You mustn't be rude, now, Luke," Jade chided.

"Excuse me, but where are you from?" Natalia asked of it politely.

The heavily clothed thing stared at her with its wide eyes as if it were contemplating her question deeply. Finally, it gave her a concise answer, punctuating each word carefully. "Me. Ant. Lion. Man."

"Yes, you told us," she said nicely, an expert at making anyone not feel like an idiot even though it was clear that they were. "Where do you live, sir?"

"She's _talking_ to it?" Luke hissed to Guy out of the corner of his mouth. "Like it'll say anything useful."

Guy grinned, scratching the back of his neck in his usual habit of showing exasperation. "Be nice, Luke."

"Live in sand!" it declared, pointing to the pit. "Me like live in sand! Fun, fun! Lots of warm, lots of bugs to eat!"

"What a weirdo." Anise shrugged. She took a closer look at the Ant Lion Man, then stopped short, pointing fervently. "Wait! Look! He took Tokunaga!" She made a grab for the fonic doll, but the monster held her back with one broad hand.

"No give. Give me...600,000 gald. Then sell."

"What?!" Anise fell back in total shock. "You can't be serious! Six hundred thousand?! That's too much!"

The beast peered down at her stonily. "Six hundred thousand or six million forty-two."

"Fine, then." Anise turned to the group. "Any donations?"

"What are you looking at us for?!" Guy exclaimed. "We don't have any more money than you do!"

"Guy is right, Anise. You can't ask us for our money after your carelessness got Tokunaga stolen in the first place."

"Indeed," Jade chimed in casually. Anise almost lost it running up to the easygoing colonel.

"You got me into all of this, Colonel! You pay for it!"

"I'm afraid I'm broke, my dear," he said pleasantly. "I've all ready spent all of my share of the money."

"Yeah right." Guy shrugged in disbelief. "You're probably saving all of yours for something."

"But I do wonder what he spent it all on..." Natalia wondered, oblivious.

"Just simple ingredients, that's all," Jade told her. "But Anise, I'm sure it would be too hard to threaten it out of Guy."

"You're right!" The Fon Master Guardian advanced upon the blond, smiling fondly before successfully pinning him to the wall. "Guy! I need some cash, pronto!"

"N-No way!" he stammered. "I'm—I'm not giving you any money, A-Anise! Get away from me!"

"But Guy, you're so cute!"

"Anise, leave Guy alone. Stop tormenting him," Tear admonished her bluntly.

"Jeez, Tear, you make him sound like a dog." Anise backed away, but Guy slumped to the ground, his face pale. "You know, Guy, you really need to get over that."

"Just leave him alone," Luke mumbled. "So, what are you going to do about the money, anyway? Collect donations on the street?"

"Hmmm... I guess so..." Anise pondered. "But what would we sell? Could we do a street act or something?"

Tear flushed avidly. "No. We need to get to Noelle soon. I'm sorry Anise, but we have to leave Tokunaga for now."

"No way! I'll never get Dist to build me another one! Besides, I won't be able to fight without him!"

"She does have a point," Natalia mused. "Why don't we charge people to see Mieu? I'm sure someone would like to see a talking cheagle, don't you think?"

"That's a great idea!" Anise snatched the item bag from Luke's shoulder.

"Hey!"

She dug through the bag eagerly. "Oh, Mieu! We have a very important job for you!" The blue cheagle poked his head out the bag, avoiding her searching fingers. He shook his head, puffing up his fur as though he had just been sleeping. The result was a slightly overfluffed little monster, his hair poking out at odd angles that resembled his master's.

"Oh, he's so cute!" Tear whispered to herself.

"Mieu? What is it?" the cheagle asked.

"Nothing, Mieu." Luke grabbed the bag back and stuffed him into it. "We don't need to host a sideshow, Anise."

"Hm, I think a lot of people would like to see him talk, though..." Anise mulled over the prospect of having Mieu replaced by something else that could make money. Anything. She glanced down at her precious doll dangling from one of the Ant Lion Man's belts, the creature laughing giddily. Still furious, Anise resisted the urge to yell at him further, then let her greed-filled gaze fall back over the party. She couldn't pick on Guy; he was well spent for the day after the last bout. Tear, Natalia, and Luke were boring, and that left only one person.

"Hey, Colonel," she started as cunningly as she could. "The Sorcerer's Ring lets the wearer breathe fire, right?"

"Obviously." He shrugged. "Why ever so, dear Anise?"

"Does it work for people?"

"What?! That's just crazy!" Luke exclaimed. "You can't breathe fire, Anise! Now let's just get out of here now!"

"In theory, it should be possible. The fon verse that is inscribed on the ring would enhance one's own ability to use the Fifth Fonon, but it would only work for someone who can all ready use the Fifth Fonon proficiently, and it would cause the user great harm; cheagles are fine because they have adapted to naturally breathing fire, so they have a false pallet to protect the inside of their mouths from the high temperatures," Jade explained pointedly. "Now, if I may so kindly ask, may we be on our way?"

"All that, huh? And you said you didn't know anything about biology," Luke added.

"I merely said it was not my specialty. One can know something about a subject they do not specialize in, you know."

"Whatever, Colonel," Anise groaned. "But you can use fifth fonic artes, right? Why don't you--"

"I'm afraid not," he cut the Fon Master Guardian off abruptly. "I do not perform for money, especially for your sake."

"Ouch," Luke whispered.

"Boooo. You're mean, Colonel!" Anise mumbled. "I guess you just want Tokunaga to be gone forever, don't you?"

Jade shrugged. "Frankly, it makes no difference to me."

"Are you still hanging around here?" Tear complained, hands on her hips, still tapping her foot. Even her patience was wearing thin. "We have to get going. Anise, just leave it for now."

"No!" The girl stomped her foot, but it didn't make the amount of noise she wanted it to on the sand. "We're getting Tokunaga back! I don't care what you say! You can go on without me!"

Tear sighed more loudly than was necessary. "All right. Anise, you know you can't stay here by yourself."

"My, Tear, are you really going to let her get her way like that?" Natalia asked, concerned. "We shouldn't spoil her, you know."

"Now you're talking to_ me_ like I'm a dog!" Anise raised her voice indignantly. "Why don't we just ambush the thing and steal Tokunaga back that way?! There's no way we can raise that much money!"

"Anise, we can't resort to violence to just solve all of our problems," Luke said. "Let's try asking him to hold it for us, and we can come back later. How does that sound?"  
"I don't think it'll work, but we can try…" Anise approached the Ant Lion Man again. His unblinking eyes were scrunched up from below ever so slightly as though he was grinning. "Hey, can you hold that doll for us? We'll come back for it later."

"No! Doll mine!" he protested, clutching the doll in question. He grinned even wider at this, and it only caused Anise to pound her foot into the sand yet again.  
"That's not fair! Give him back!"

"H-Hey, Anise!" Guy made as if to stop her, but then he flinched. Helpless, he turned to Jade. "Do something before she throttles the life out of him!"

"I'm afraid stopping one of Anise's rampages would be like trying to stop the time," Jade said simply. "I thought you had learned that lesson by now, Guy."

"Look, Anise…" Luke placed a hand on the girl's shoulder, willing her to back off. "I'll give you the rest of my money, and we can go from there. How about it?"

"Oooooh, you're so kind, Luke!" Anise spun, wrapping her arms about his waist, her anger dissolving entirely. "I have only about 500 gald left. How much do you have?"

"Two hundred." She gave him a reproving glare.

"You need to get better at saving, Luke! That'll never be enough!"

"Well, gee, I'm sorry I don't scrounge for change like you!"

"I only let Luke have half of his share," admitted Jade. "If I had given him the full 2,000 like everyone else, we would be flat broke by now."

Luke could hardly sputter a response in his rage. "Hey!"

"Colonel, give Luke the rest of his money, please," Natalia pleaded. "Even if he does waste it, that's his own problem. It's hardly fair that you don't even trust him with it in the first place."

"We've wasted enough time here!" Tear snapped, losing all patience. "We can't stand here all day and leave Noelle waiting on us! Anise, forget it, and get ready to go."

"Please, Tear," Guy mouthed softly. "We'll only be a while. I'm willing to bet Astor would lend us some money for it."

Anise leaped onto Guy again. "What a great idea!"

"Uaah!" Guy lurched forward, desperately trying to shove her tiny arms off of his torso. Unfortunately, he was so startled by the attack that he lost his balance, toppling over onto the sand face first. Anise giggled, finally letting go and backing off. Guy just lay there, traumatized, for several minutes.

"Guy? Are you okay?" Tear asked, keeping her own distance.

"Well that was fun," Jade said airily. "Now, what is our next plan of action? Pay the Ant Lion Man? Talk to Astor? Leave and be on our merry way?"

"We have to talk to Astor!" Anise ordered. "He'll lend us some money for sure!"

"Then I'll go with you," Natalia offered. "Luke, you come, too."

"What? Aren't we all going together?"

"Guy is..." The Kimlascan princess glanced down at the servant, who was still quivering slightly. "And Jade wouldn't go."

"I know where he lives, you know," Anise reminded them. "I can get there on my own."

"Natalia." Tear addressed the princess stubbornly. "You, Luke, and Anise may go to see Astor. The rest of us will stay here and make sure the Ant Lion Man doesn't leave. He could very easily just dig back to where he came from."

"That's right!" Anise gasped. "That's a good idea, though. Keep an eye on him for us!"

"Yes..." Tear watched them depart with a sigh. They had wasted so much time. Noelle was sure to be worried now.

Guy sat up, still moaning. He caught sight of Tear and tensed up, but she noticed and stepped away for him. Smiling sheepishly, Guy brushed himself off. "I have gotten better, really. She just loves to tackle me from behind..."

"Yes, Anise is quite the tackler," Jade observed.

"Me, Ant Lion Man!" The Ant Lion Man shouted to make sure they didn't forget about him. Tear gazed over at him, then she saw him make his move. The heavily garbed thing prepared to leap into the sand pit, swinging its arms back and forth as if building up the momentum for the epic bound. It beamed the whole time. "Ant Lion Man go home now!"

"Wait!" Tear ran up to him, hesitantly latching onto one of its belts. They had come this far; it couldn't just get away. "The money is coming. Just give us a little more time."

"Ant Lion Man is not happy," it informed them with a sad look in its eyes. "Ant Lion Man get too hot outside. Ant Lion Man go back under sand, where it right feeling! Not too hot, not too cold for Ant Lion Man!"

Tear released the cloth, expecting to be pulled in after him. However, the Ant Lion Man did not jump. It turned back to face her, eyes now showing more of an expression. "Ant Lion Man like you!"

"What?!" Tear backstepped just as the Ant Lion Man grabbed her. It held her up to its wide chest, hugging her tightly. Tear strained to get out of its strong grasp, but it squeezed her harder with each twitch of her arms.

"Tear!" Guy ran up to the Ant Lion Man, who looked like he was ready to jump into the sand. It resumed its swinging motion, but Jade was quick to stop it this time.

"Energy Blast!"

The mass of dark brown leather and burlap tumbled backwards, and Tear was let go in just enough time for her to regain her bearing.

Guy ran up to her urgently. "What was it doing to you?!"

"I...I..." Tear continued to back up, getting her back to one of the stone walls. The Ant Lion Man advanced, waving Tokunaga menacingly. It repeated its name, along with more strings of choppy threats.

"Me, Ant Lion Man! You not get away from Ant Lion Man! I catch you, Ant Lion Man catch you and take you back to sand home! Ant Lion Man be happy with you, we have fun, live in sand home under ground and be not too hot, not too cold! Come with Ant Lion Man! Have Ant Lion Man babies, you, me, together!"

"No!" Tear faced it boldly. "You can back off now, but if I'm forced to hurt you, then it's your own fault!"

"Ant Lion Man! Ant Lion Man! Ant Lion Man! Ant Lion Man!"

Tear whipped out her staff. She gathered fonons just in case as it bared down on her, waving its arms and sending sand everywhere. She squinted, its silhouette harsh against the blinding light of the sun behind him. The Ant Lion Man loosed an unearthly screech, and Tear found it too close for comfort at that.

"Holy Lance!"

The spears of Sixth Fonons rained into the Ant Lion Man, sending it down. It wiggled, pinned to the sand below, still clutching Tokunaga weakly. The spears of light dissolved, and Jade smirked amusedly at the sight of the still twitching form before him. After a few more seconds, it stopped, the once lively arms falling limp.

"Did I...kill him?" Tear stepped around it hesitantly. "I didn't want to kill it, though."

"It was an enemy, Tear," Guy told her. "Enemies have to be dealt with eventually. No offense, but it was probably better than it attacked you than Anise; it had taken her weapon, anyway."

"You're probably right."

"Hey! What the hell is going on?!" Luke jogged up, panting. "Tear! What did you do?!"

"I--"

"Look! It's Tokunaga! I finally have you back!" Anise plucked the doll from the Ant Lion Man's dead hand, hugging it roughly.

"Oh my..." Natalia followed more slowly, and touched her mouth lightly upon seeing the Ant Lion Man's body.

"It gave us a little trouble," Jade informed them. "But Tear took care of it, and now we even got Tokunaga back. What did Astor have to say?"

"He lent us the money," Natalia responded, holding out the pouch of gald. "But...what now? Do we keep it? We can't exactly..."

"Of course we do!" Anise paused to sling the doll on her back. "Wait a minute!" All eyes turned to her as she held the doll under her searching eyes, waiting for another action. She turned the doll over and over again, scrutinizingly searching it. It seemed to be fine other than having a coating of sand, but otherwise, the fonic doll was its normal self, the twin button eyes of different hues hovering over the crooked smile. She retied the little white bag around its neck, as it had come loose in the fall. "There. All better."

"Now, we must be going," Jade said calmly. "If the Military Police show up, we could be in trouble for the whole ordeal. Now, let's get going to Noelle quickly. We can't keep her waiting, you know."

"That's right," Tear agreed. "She might have even entered the city searching for us. We have to make it back before dark or she might go so far as to rent a night in the hotel."

"Nah, she'd just sleep in the Albiore..." Guy trailed off. Suddenly, he jerked his head towards the Ant Lion Man's still body. "Hey, did anyone else see that thing just move?"

"Hm?" Jade watched it carefully, still smirking like the devil. "No, Guy. You need more sleep. I know it's hard sometimes when there aren't enough rooms available at the inn for the girls to have a separate room, but you might want to avoid sleeping in the lobby from now on. Honestly, I shudder to think how you'll ever get married..."

"Okay, okay, that's enough." The blond folded his arms decisively. "But I know that thing just..."

"Yeah, I saw it, too, I think..." Luke confirmed.

"Well that could be a variety of things for you, Luke," Jade pointed out.

"Whoa! Colonel, they're right! It's not dead!" Anise kicked the figure, her expression almost disgusted. She gave it a wary look, then poked it again.

All of a sudden, the Ant Lion Man bounded to its feet. Anise screeched, falling back to the ground. Guy, Luke, Natalia, and Tear prepared to fight, but the Ant Lion Man spun abruptly and dove into the pit before they could even think further than that.

Guy blinked, utterly confused. "Wait, what was that all about?"

"I have no idea..." Anise mumbled in shock. "Hold it! I knew something was up!" She pulled Tokunaga from her back swiftly, again poring over every detail. If one stitch was at the wrong angle, Anise was sure to detect it. Finally, she stood, then shook more sand from the dusty yellow doll. "I knew this was wrong!."

"What is it, Anise?" Luke asked. He shrugged to Guy, who also found nothing wrong with it.

"It's fine, right? If any sand got into the fontech, I might be able to clean it out if you want me to."

Natalia walked up to the Fon Master Guardian. "Is it all right, Anise?"

"No! This is horrible!" With that, she flung the doll against the brick wall, and it narrowly missed Jade's head. The collected colonel merely pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose as the fontech shattered right next to his ear. He grinned malevolently.

"Colonel! You will pay!" Anise made as if to attack the man. The other four watched in pure shock as the Fon Master Guardian grabbed the soldier's tall boots, attempting to bring him down to her level. However, Jade stood fast, fingering his spectacles placidly.

"Jeez, Anise, what the hell got into you?! Luke grasped the back of her tabbard, attempting to pull her off of Jade.

"I'm ashamed of you, Anise!" Natalia scolded, but the younger girl was as oblivious as her target. Guy shuddered, reminded of the ferocity of women, and Tear sighed once more.

"Give him back, Colonel!" Anise demanded of him. She slammed a fist into the wall, ignoring the blood that seeped through her normally immaculate white gloves.

"But then it would ruin the fun!" Jade chuckled, baiting the Fon Master Guardian even further. "I am surprised that you noticed, however."

"Anise, what is he talking about?!"

"Shut up, Luke!" Anise turned back to the Malkuthian before her. "Just give Tokunaga back now, and I might let you go peacefully!"

"My, but you don't mean to say!--" Natalia gasped as Jade revealed the fontech doll—the real one—and held it just out of reach of the Fon Master Guardian. Anise clawed at his uniform, blinded with rage. Damn that stupid bastard!

"You should have been paying attention. I knew you would be able to tell my own sloppy handiwork from your own, but I never expected it to take that long."

"Sloppy? It was a perfect...!" Luke dropped off, ashamed. His eyes fell to the ground, and his five companions watched him expectantly, though Jade knew what he was going to say. "...Replica..."


End file.
